HA! TAKE THAT!

Somehow; I managed to not be a puss, and actually approached a female?

Mind you, it ended in flames..she got really offended when I told her she looked very nice in her sailor costume..Apparently she was a pirate...WTF?

Oh well...Love is never found in parking lots.

I think we would look great dead/

It's nights like these that kill me inside.
I'm honestly going to sit around and think of the possibilities.
And ruin myself.


Fuck.

Thanks to my best friend, and cody knopf/

To any who don't know, This is myself, and Schuylar Croom of 'He Is Legend'.
Now, not many people realize, that this was a huge deal. He has been one of my biggest ( if not the biggest ) musical inspirations, as a vocalist, and a writer.


And I finally had the chance to meet him.


I love it.

wow...

I actually just realized that the past 5 girls I have met, who showed any interest in me, were wasted.


Awesome..great confidence booster.



Maybe I should just take a bag of roofies with me. THEN i may have a chance at falling in love. even if it is only for an hour.

over this.

these long dances with depression are starting to kill me.

i can't do this alone anymore.

Love?

I really hope this is just a dream. I'm giving up. once again? fuck my life.
im over it. i realized that I wont ever catch a moment of your attention.
i will never be the one who makes you smile. i wont even be the one who makes you cry.

face it, im not good enough.

at least realizing it feels better then forcing myself to think otherwise.


I already feel us falling apart, and it's killing me.
There's this deep feeling inside of me, and its telling me to pull you closer.
I told you enough that you know im toast without you,
but somehow I feel like soon you might be gone for good.


on another note, since my blogs are always bipolar.
im actually considering leaving..not for school, not for anything or anyone..just packing up and going away..far away.
and finding someone to love me..who won't give me false hope, or continuously fuck me over..much like every girl who has ever walked into my life has.

my god. schuylar croom.
that was the greatest moment of my life.
meeting my biggest vocal inspiration was probably the best thing that happened to me.
and he was interested in me. he talked to me about what I want to do. and he said something that hit me like a bag full of bricks, and that stuck with me like gum under a table.

" I hope one day I get this excited to shake YOUR hand "


so as I lay here, writing this to...well...kacie seeing how shes the only person reading this.
i hope your day gets better.
because I cant be happy unless you are.

too good to be true.

This is sincerely killing me.
But I'm praying I don't go
until you're done with me.




oh by the way, open your fucking eyes and see what the fuck is waiting for you to pick it up of the fucking street. when you're all alone I hope you see what you kept tossing asside.

wow..

I havent done this in so long..i forgot how much this keeps me calm, and positive.

Trapped in the Body of a Man Defeated.

I Really just want to blog about everything right now. fuck.

+
. Having a Best Friend
. Staying in RD for a while longer
. New Car this week?
. Snowboard Season
.Maylene....Oh my fucking god.
.MJ movie
.Getting Paid
.You.

-
.The situation I'm in.
.Staying in RD.
.Being back in debt.
. RIP Hollywood.
. Debt.
. Lies.
. Your situation.
. Lonliness.



All I really want right now is to be feeling the same as I did all summer.
I was Happy. I had no stress, or any worries.

Now Im worried constantly.
Im sick to my stomache.
Im apparently not seriously ill, but what the fuck do they know.
For all I care, my body could be slowly deteriorating from the inside out.
And it wouldnt shake me the slightest.
Every ounce of confidence in my body has left.
The positivity has escaped, and the negative has erased everything.
I cant fucking stand this.
Somebody rescue me.

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend.

Dear you.
I had fun with you this weekend.
You always know how to make me not feel like shit..which is cool.
I really hope you do transfer to rdc..and get a place with me..because I love calling you my best friend.
Because you understand me.



i think.

Time of Your Life...huh kid?

Wow. not much else I can say. Last night was amazing. That was the last..and probably the best show we played, We went into it ready to party, and did just that.
You guys are my family. I would give anything to re live the times we spent together.
I cant wait to see what you all turn out to be.


Now, to a few people.

- I've told you I didnt want to be apart of this. You know you're breaking me apart with every word you say.
- I am so grateful for having you with me. I lost you once, and every second we hang out, I cherish it that much more. You're always going to be my brother. Nothing can break this apart.
- It makes me so fucking mad that you make me feel this way..and you're not trying to. Even after I told you how I felt...I'm so confused.
- You are my best friend. You are Always in my heart, and I will never let you fall. My arms are forever reaching out, ready for you.
- I have yet to meet you, but I pray that you don't suck.
- Im sick of you.
- I love you.
- Please...Love me too?

Sink 'em In.

I hate how all it took was me to finally tell you what I wanted from her. and you were trying to convince me to have the complete opposite. As my closest guy friend, I expect you to know I cant fucking do that to anyone. Oh well.
You'll Get It Soon Enough.


"Ive Been Lookin For You On The Horizon."

ugh. why does this make me feel so fucking shitty.

Thanks Devon/Erin for finding a semi-compatable girl for me.
I really hope shes not a bitch.


However, the fact that I needed someone else to find me a date, is 100% fucking pathetic.



Why don't I just start a Plentyofish account.

FuckMe.


"This is probably the best; Not to mention the worst Idea that I have ever had"

Misery Fucking Loves Me, And I Love Her Too.

I couldnt even tell you how happy I am for you.

but happiness always comes with a price.

give it up son, you'll never be anything more then traffic through the door.

the worst thing ever, is knowing that only one thing could turn my mood right now,
and Its the one thing im never going back to again.

His Heart Condition is Commonly Known as Shattered.

This should probably make me so happy..but it makes me the exact opposite.
I knew this would happen.
Once Again Calder You Fucked Up.




Mind you,

This doesn't come as an immediate surprise.

But;
Once again, Kelowna seems like a much better idea.
Away from everyone, and everything.
I can sit in my house, ponder, write and be alone.
and get used to it, because thats probably what its gonna be like
for the next 70 years.

But hey,
I've realized it, and I'm over it.

ugh.

i really wish i wasnt having mixed emotions about this.
I just want to be over it. because it isnt getting anywhere, and I'm just stressing myself over it.
Im simply not cut out for that, and you are probably better off that way.

I'm staying positiveabout this. Im not beating myself up over this. I swear. I promised myself I wouldnt do that again.



Its absolutely horrible. Over the Past week, I've been having really deep dreams. About disaster's that I've always been afraid of.
But what's worse, is I'm having feelings like I did before the "accident". I know I swore to myself that I wouldnt try to do that again..but It's starting to make more sense every morning. Maybe I need someone..Maybe I need something...
Who knows.

All I have is a bestfriend, a guitar, some paper, and a heart full of emotion's waiting to be screamed out in an empty room. or my vehicle. or the side of a road.

or a casket,

week 2..

Things are starting to feel not so shitty...well work wise anyways.


fuck everything else and its need to fall apart on me.

at least you're someone i can count on to pick up the pieces

learn to love like me. like me. learn to love me.

I still don't understand how this happened.

fuck off self.
dont keep doing this.


if i could i would give myself a black eye every time I did this.
By day 3 I would have no more eyes to be black.


But I would much rather something else.

JUST LET THE MUSIC, SPEAK FOR ITS FUCKING SELF!

I could really use another night of falling asleep watching movies.
Fml.

I seriously didnt think i would ever say this.

I am fucking done.




Calgary, if i drop my life to move back, you better have something better for me then this place has to offer me now. and if shit doesnt turn around for me. i have no problem fucking off and getting as far away as possible.


ps. cheer the fuck up. i believe in you. and i know this will turn out exactly how you want it to.

FUCK P L A G I A R I S M

The sweet scent of our once powerful embrace, is finally fading from my cold lifeless lips.

City Lights

Well I suppose I could review my weekend in Calgs.
So friday I drove down, and to be completely honest, Highways cause my brain to wonder into places where it should not go..and dark highways are no exception. The only thing keeping me sane was the light pounding bass, and crystal clear vocals, compliments of YOUAREAWEAPON, combined with the slow, constant flow of smoke thanks to my good friend peter jackson.
How was I to have any expectations. I was coming for a sole reason..One I kept hidden to avoid guilt from my second party.
As I held the wheel steady on that dark path, which leads to endless possibilities, There was a single thought on my mind. You. Everything surrounding me kept pounding the image of you into my head.
What seemed like days later, I finally arrived. Cracked a beer, and prepared myself for a night full of adventure.
Loco Lou's sounded like a good idea, until I peered into the window and saw a copius amount of abercrombie/aeropostale polo's, almost overwhelming my wax denim/cotten vneck clad self.
Once I got in the doors and saw that they had Big Rock on tap, My eyes light up like the 4th of July.

One Pint down, and I was then introduced to a shit-disturber...FUCKMYLIFE. Not only was I allergic to 2/3rds of the ingredients to this shot, my worst enemy (Sambuca) a.k.a the ONLY liquor that triggers my emotions like a fucking on button, was present.

Luckily enough, I avoided balling my eyes out, and somehow made it home in one piece.

Then, the highlight of my week. Nothing is better then falling asleep next to someone.
Regardless of your relation to that person, or how either feel about the other, It simply turned everything going through my mind into a positive.

Then, saturday...you and I slept until 5. Fuck our lives haha.
We visited my cousin, and then back to bed.
I knew I needed to make a stop to remember a friend...and We embarked on the journey to visit her memorial.
We took a wrong turn, and ended up infront of my first home..where I was introduced to the world of love, hate, family, foes, and beauty in destruction.

This opened my eyes. and in my mind, I realized, that no matter what wrong decisions you make in life, You are NEVER as far away from home as you think.

Now, we passed a red lobster, and decided a dinner date was needed. So we got back to sait, cleaned up and drove to BP's on 17th.
After a nice, quiet dinner, we made the trip home.
As an ender to our visit, we cuddled up, and watched Juno.
Then I woke up this morning and left to say goodbye to my father at the airport.
I was pulling out of the parking lot, and Realized I still hadnt seen ashlynn's plantation..
So I made my way to fish creek, and there it was..staring at what was left for you to be remembered by, made me cry and scream louder then ever before. The pain brought me to my knees.

When I was finally physically and emotionally stable enough to walk away, I got into my car, and decided I needed the longest route home possible. I finally made it to the highway, and then you offered the one thing I needed the most..condolance. So I came back, had a smoke, and another hug goodbye. And then It was done. Tears fell from my eyes the moment i closed my car door. Too much at One time to handle.

All in alll..this weekend did nothing but clear my head, and remind me that there are important things in my life, that I need to keep close.


All I have left for now is, wow.
and to someone, you will never know this is to you...
I want is you to notice me.
Even just for a single, solitary moment.

Give me just one more everlasting breath.

DECISIONS.
-Audio Engineering? = Move to bc.
-History Major= calgs.
-Possible touring opportunity? = dream of a lifetime.
-work until i can comfortably move, and see where I end up?


each comes with its own positives and negatives.

i need some assistance

:(

And to the ones who are forever burned into my soul.

Im at the point where I would do anything to turn your life around. ANYTHING.
Which is a crazy thing to say, but Im pretty sure I would. Even if it took me dropping my life, and moving to be with you every waking moment. Even if it meant me laying my heart on the table for you to take and prove to yourself that you will have the life you dream of. If it meant me losing everything. I would do it. You're more important then you will ever know. and I cant stress how much I want you to wake up every day, with that smile on your face that could pierce the sky. and turn every cloud into sunshine. That would turn snow into gold. That would turn destruction into beauty. That would turn chaos into peace.

You will find true, selfless love.


I Swear.

To the ones who I hold close to my heart.

Fuck. Seeing that made my heart sink into the deepest of places. I miss you now more then i ever thought i could. I wish I had a chance to say goodbye, and for you to know how much I love you.


"Where your heart lies, I will always be found. This is more then you could ever dream of, This is pure."

im sorry i fail/ fml

well shiiiit.

i finally started a job...fuuuuuuck ya. p.s kacie i hate your keyboard because i cant spell anything right the first time. dont throw sharp objects at her car..btw.

beer = calder sick = hilarious = not remembering ANYTHING.

p.s this is already fun.

Ohhhhhhhh SHIT

Love nights like these. hanging out with old best friends, is unreal. i missed that.
Im stoked on this week,
Today: Hangout with kacie, then turkey round 2.
Tuesday: Start work at RDE; Wings, and hangout with kayla
Wednesday: Night off, Playing at the vat
Thursday:Snowboarding? WHAAAT?
Friday: Getting paid (i hope) paying back nick for my blackberry
Saturday: COP?

Already..wow.

Over this place..well not so much the place, but seeing 4 ex girlfriends every weekend in the same room=bummer and a half.
but im pretty sure im going to miss you..and it sucks..but i guess i was expecting that,
it happens.

BTW youre amazing. one of my best friends. i trust you with everything, and know that you will never judge me. or lie to me.


I Love It.

FINALLY.

You finally speak up, after how long of me trying to get through to you?
Not impressed my dear. You need to put me someplace on your list of priorities that isnt the very bottom. Until then, forget about it. Im done trying to keep anything in production.

OH and to you, that really fucking hurts. but its not your fault. I can already see this turning out really badly.,


OHHHH YEAH last night was fucked. 3 ex girlfriends in 1 room. NOT FUCKING COOL. especially when one tries to get some dude to fight you. bitch.

D.E.A.R.Y.O.U

I cant fucking believe you.
You lead me to belive that we had something,
something worth fighting for,
and now? you want NOTHING to do with me.
You want things to change? Start a fucking conversation once.
Tell me something worth hearing.

dont just fucking ignore me.


this is a warning to some other people.
im not afraid to cut you out of my life.

Once apon a time, I wanted you to be mine.

So, I finally got a job. Its About Fucking Time.

This was the best day of my life, Minus one thing thats still on my mind.

You.

I dont understand why, But its fucking annoying. I dont want to feel this way about someone, when its clearly not how they feel.

some advice would be nice,
or simply, a solution.

last straw.

im sick of people saying they're "always here for you" then not following through.

At the same time, im sick of having to put forth all the effort to make something work.
i always find myself the one making the phone call, or sending the first message.

so to anyone, and everyone who wants me to ever be there, this is youre chance to step up.
minus a single person. because she actually makes the same effort as i do. im pretty sure you know who you are, if not ask.

finally.

today was great, I woke up, had an interview in bfalds,
came home, then had taco tuesday with one of my oldest friends ever.
Went, re-recorded a bunch of my acoustic tracks,
and got a phone call..from sport mart, and I start thursday.
fuck yes.
then I go to sharks, Mike says he'll be starting me monday or tuesday of next week,
fuck yes.
then I come home, and my sister says my interview apparently went well, and they are definately considering hireing me.

fuck yes.

now, all I could need, is some nice weather so I can go for a skateboard,
And Laying next to me, watching a movie.


make it happen

operation relocation = hello final destination.

Love- a word ive heard a million + times.
a word i still dont understand 100%.
a feeling i long for.
an emotion that fails us all.
the force continuing human existance.

im taking a moment, if i may to recognize the loss of a close friend of mine.

Ashlynn Rains, you were a big part of my life for a fairly short time.
Now that youre gone, I now realize that you kept me sane in my darkest times.

I miss you terribly,
Rest In Peace

Bleed and Blister.

Waking up after dreaming about the 2 things you want most, and then realizing you still dont have the answer to getting either? shitty beans.
This interview is the deciding factor in me getting packed up and leaving this month.

if i can work my ass off for the next 5 months, then move? that'd be nice.
but i dont know if i can really take much more shit here.


I need someone else to help me through this.
someone like you.

To the Moon and Back Babe..

This is way to hard to cope with.
I reallly need that feeling again.
Where the world isnt on your back,
and the positivity flows in copius ammounts,
almost overwhelming you.
I long for the touch of a human, that spreads passion,
and love,
like a fire in a dry forest.

I need this. More then Anything.